Long Ball Larry - aka Hot Carl and the Shits

Long Ball Larry was a team named in relation to the moniker Leon Black gave Larry David in the most recent season of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm, but halfway through the 2007 season, it's looking like this group hasn't been appropriately named. Built for speed and power, this is a team that has a plethora of shortages and would probably be more aptly titled Hot Carl and the Shits. See, 42 games into the season, fans of LBL have been treated to the star power of LF Carl Crawford, but after his exploits, really just a bunch of smelly, under-performing fecal matter.

Through 42 games, Crawford has led the team in hitting (.351), runs (30), doubles (13), triples (7), extra-base hits (24), and stolen bases (26), but is legitimately alone in terms of regular starters who have lived up to the billing their STRAT card promised. Behind him, not only in the lineup, but also in performance, are Gary Sheffield (.227), Carlos Pena (.250), Bobby Abreu (.264), Dustin Pedroia (.262), and Corey Patterson (.208), all of whom are hitting substantially lower than they did in the actual 2007 MLB season. But beyond the vexing lack of hitting, the most frustrating and befuddling part of this team has been its year-long struggles with the 20-sided die. Despite having two AA and two A stealers in the regular lineup, LBL has managed to only successfully nab 42 bases in 79 attempts (53%). Patterson has been the ring-leader of this gang of unsuccessful smugglers as he has found a way to be "caught like a thief in the night" an amazing TEN TIMES in FIFTEEN ATTEMPTS! Beyond that, of the six players who have attempted a steal this season, only Hot Carl has a SB% higher than 50 percent.

As bad as the hitting has been for LBL, the pitching staff has likely under-performed every bit as much. Mike Timlin (0.63) and closer Jon Papelbon (1.17) have been the lone bright spots of the pitching staff, but thanks to putrid starting pitching and the lack of offensive success, they have been largely hidden under a bushel. Papelbon has been pretty much unhittable, yet has only three saves and one victory in nine outings. LBL's ace, Scott Kazmir, while having pitched below expectations (4.33), certainly has performed better than his amazing 1-9 record would indicate. Kazmir and occasional starters Roger Clemens and Kenny Rogers have combined to post an unbelievable 1-19 record!

Even the most positive of politicians and witch doctors couldn't spin LBL's 2007 in any kind of positive light as they will spend the final 13 series playing out the string. With only the role of spoiler left to gain, the last question that remains is whether any team will be the victim of said spoiler and find themselves on the business end of a juicy Hot Carl and the Shits.

Offensive Leaders - through 42 games
Batting Average - Carl Crawford (.351)
At-Bats - Carl Crawford (185)
Hits - Carl Crawford (65)
Runs - Carl Crawford (30)
Doubles - Carl Crawford (13)
Triples - Carl Crawford (7)
Home runs - Carlos Pena (11)
RBI - Carlos Pena (27)
K's - Troy Glaus (50)
Stolen Bases - Carl Crawford (26)
Errors - Troy Glaus (7)

Defensive Leaders - through 42 games
Wins - Sean Marcum (5)
Losses - Scott Kazmir (9)
ERA; Starter - Phil Hughes (3.86)
ERA; Reliever - Mike Timlin (0.63)
Complete Games - Scott Kazmir (6)
Strikeouts - Scott Kazmir (77)
Saves - Jon Papelbon (3)